• Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, and then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
• Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
• You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.
• You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
• Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.
• You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.
• You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.
• Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
• People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.
• Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.
• You laugh out loud during funerals.
• Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.
• You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.
• You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.
• Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.
• You collect dead windowsill flies.
• Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"
• You like cats. Especially with mayo.
• You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
• You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion.
• You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.
• You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
• Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.
• You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.
• You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.
• Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.
• Melba toast excites you.
• When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."
• You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.
• Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the Pope today."
• You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.
• Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.
• Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"
• You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
• You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
• You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.
• You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)
• People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
• You like reading lists like this.

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